**triggers in post due to description of on the job sexual harassment**
(Journal description of typical shift)
The Way It Was, Just Do Your Job..
My alarms startles me awake and I slap at it until it turns off. “Get up already, don’t lay here”. It’s 8pm and I’ve got to be ready for third shift work. I breathe in and out while telling myself ‘tonight it will be okay, you can make it through.” I swing my legs over the side of the bed and grab my robe and… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 24, 2015 at 9:38pm —
I cannot pinpoint when cuddling and hugs left my life. I was the Mom who cuddled with her adult kids in the huge bed each week to have movie night and eat popcorn together. I was the Mom you could count on to give you a big hug when you visited our home. When I look back, I will try to pinpoint when exactly it was this stopped being part of my life. I find I can’t figure it out. Health wise, well I know for sure it was around this time I stopped being “okay”.
When I read about Japan’s… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 21, 2015 at 11:56am —
Often I get private messages or DMs trying to slam me for not “knowing what I’m talking about”. Well, I’m not an expert on PTSD or TBI. Surprise! I only know about my own experiences and living day to day. It always astounds me to get these kind of messages. Why the pointed hatefulness directed my way? I get it I really do about how each person has different experiences and I respect their journey. Some get stuck in part of their walk so deeply it becomes a place of anger at the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 17, 2015 at 5:00am —
“I’ve been on a losing streak, I’m holding on to things I shouldn’t it’s time to let them go, Hit so hard I couldn’t speak” …These are lyrics to a song in my playlist. (Firelight; Brand New Day-Unbreakable) It’s been a theme song of sorts lately for me. I’ve been letting go of anonymity and coming out of my own dark place. Life just hits hard sometimes and it really sucks eggs. When it least was expected my major trigger came right to my front door, my home. I was okay the next day, I tried… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 12, 2015 at 4:22pm —
hope we all made it through Easter. I did and even made it through my hand surgery and now its starting to look more like spring, no snow in the yard but its still a little cool as old man winter is still trying to stay here. I have been doing some more reading on-line and in different mags about driving to and from the fire scene and to police calls, roll overs and etc. We are are not getting better as per the books. Slow down or at least watch the intersections.
I hope we all know… Continue
Added by Bob Allard on April 12, 2015 at 9:36am —
I’m hiding. I’m hiding in my room after a major triggered relapse. I hate this place I’m in. It was so unexpected. There I was surging ahead and wham! Six days later I am antsy, I want to move out of this place. I’m ready to move ahead again, yet the trembling inside screams it is not safe again, it’s not safe, stay inside, hide in the safety of these 4 walls and 2 windows.
I respect triggers, I do and I have a healthy fear of triggering them in others. Again and again I swallow any… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 9, 2015 at 6:00am —
Its been a busy week(s) in the training , as new classes are coming out and meetings and grand-kids and wife so yes its been busy. Next thurs (9 apr.) I have been putting off hand surgery so I will be done for awhile but I need to get it done.
I would like to have us all take a minute and say our prayers for that firefighter who fell through the roof,......... Its hard on his family and dam its around a holiday.
So how have we been doing with our driving and… Continue
Added by Bob Allard on April 3, 2015 at 1:01pm —
I rarely, even now, know what day it is. We have a rule about opening refrigerated items. They must have the date written on them the day they are opened. Seems like a good idea and an easy one, right? Yesterday I opened my Almond Milk and yogurt, wrote the date on them 4/1.
The date should have been 3/31 Tuesday.
Just when I feel like there are these wonderful moments of healing, there are those small things which slap me down. I am working on the idea of the passing of time by… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 1, 2015 at 6:00am —
The Colorado Guardian Angels are hosting a Gala fundraiser to recognize Police, Fire Fighters, military and other local Heroes in our community, we will have food, drinks, music, raffle prizes, and a silent auction. We will also have local celebrities joining us such as Biff Gore from the TV show "The Voice" will be performing for us, and much more. Tickets are now being sold. $25 a ticket June 27th 2015 5pm 10pm Don't miss this huge event.
Added by Ryan Warren on March 29, 2015 at 3:30pm —
Two weeks ago I had an appointment at which I experienced yet another bout of "medical gaslighting", This has shown me it is still alive and thriving well. It cause me to nearly relapse and to experience an anger so out of control I really didn't know what to do with it.
In an attempt to gain control of so many things out of control I did what so many women do. I colored my hair. Oh, it wasn't the 'touch up the roots' (which I needed) it was an extreme just go for it kind of decision… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 29, 2015 at 10:24am —
**can be triggering for those with PTSD**
(this has been an infuriating week for me. This is from my personal blog ...)
Stigma, it's a hot button topic for me. I hate, absolutely hate how the word 'depression' is linked to PTSD. the D in PTSD does NOT stand for depression!! It does not go hand in hand.
PTSD has a lot of waves, or periods of growth, retreat and stagnation. In talking with someone I can often tell where they are stuck. Yes, it's very possible to… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 27, 2015 at 9:33am —
My Faith is a deep part of the person I was before the TBI and it's not going to fade away. My stubbornness refuses to let go of the peacefulness my Faith held for me day to day. The morning I woke up to realize my Faith was back was similar to recognizing a face I'd forgotten long ago. It is something I don't want to let go of again. Does this mean my Faith is a bigger part of me than I had realized or worse taken for granted?
I've always had a deep abiding Faith. Prayer held a… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 25, 2015 at 6:00am —
The most dangerous of flirting is flirting with my triggers for PTSD. It seems to be an act which is meaningless. Why go back there to the place of hurt? It borders on self-flagellation. I look back now and realize I wanted to keep hurting deep inside because I couldn’t let it out, couldn’t talk about it. I’d become a tightrope walker when it came to my personal triggers.
Need someone to help your PD students to test out on ‘pretend’ victims? I’m on it. I’ll sign those forms and… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 22, 2015 at 8:31am —
If you would be so kind as to take a brief moment to follow the link below to take a very brief survey. This survey is part of my capstone research project for a Masters Degree in Public Administration I am completing. Any and all help is appreciated, Thank you!!
Added by Joe Szewczyk on March 20, 2015 at 9:34am —
I did everything right. I did all those things I was told to do. Used my real name, protected my tweets, kept my FaceBook account only for family, used a nickname for a dating site and never met anyone except in a public place. The entire time I had no clue I was being stalked online which eventually crossed over into my day to day world. In the end did I do anything wrong? No. I followed the rules of the online world somehow believing I would never be a target.
I will probably… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 20, 2015 at 6:00am —
I unzip the zipper of my violin case and as I open it I can smell the rosin inside the case. A soft cloth covers my violin protecting it from the bows. I gently remove it and sigh a long shaky breath. The wood glows softly in the light from the window. I remember this instrument, I feel a very familiar anticipation as I look at this beauty hiding inside this dull case.
As I pick it up I realize I don’t have a clue anymore how to play it.
When did this happen? How can I not… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 18, 2015 at 6:00am —
PTSD: crawling in the dark
It’s dark, so dark. I feel the cold, damp underneath my knee pads as I crawl with a dimming light. “what can you see? What do you hear?” the voice next to me and off to the side asks. “I see cement slabs, gravel, dirt, leaves and I think I see an opening ahead about a person’s length ahead.” I stop and breathe, listen to my surroundings. I ask myself if I can hear anything besides the sound of my heart beating. What do I smell? What can I… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 15, 2015 at 6:00am —
The unanswerable questions are what haunt me in the night. Those questions pursue me until I wake up panting for air. Sweating and overheated I bolt awake. I swallow back yet another scream. In my nightmare I’d been screaming for what seemed like hours on end until I was hoarse. As I wake up my throat hurts again as if I was still in this place where no questions could ever be answered. I have no answers and I know I never will.
The unanswerable. Those are the worst. Those moments… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 13, 2015 at 6:00am —
Things are not the same.I... I am not the same. I look around and realize my life has not only changed, but I have changed. This brain injury changed everything. My life had slid into the mudhole deep before I injured my brain. Kind of the whole “add insult to injury” feeling there. I’d seemingly been a dabbler. I wasn’t. I read back over my journals from that time and I read the frustration held inside those entries. The innate need to keep safe kept me holding everyone at not only arm’s… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 11, 2015 at 6:00am —
I’m a rambler, and I think I probably was before too but the agitation with my PTSD sometimes makes it worse. I ramble on and on in sessions which now I get clocked on when I do. The trust level after close to a year of consistent appointments is quite high so I don’t get offended. Rambling is also my way to ‘avoid’. It’s an avoidance tactic for me.
In uniform it was the ‘bubble head’ tactic which worked well for me so it’s probably a learned tactic. One to use when I don’t want to… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 8, 2015 at 11:08am —