PTSD: Personal Journal
Disbelief. That “look” when PTSD is mentioned and I speak up and say “I have PTSD.” Inherently there is an accompanied eye roll. I know the statistics. I know PTSD causes me to be at a much higher risk for heart issues. So to be at the cardiologist and get the eye roll is rather disconcerting. Granted it was by the heart ultrasound specialist so I can easily discount her opinion via her eye roll. When people do the eye roll do they not understand I SEE them do… Continue
Added by Bree N. on July 7, 2015 at 7:25am —
The fourth annual Climb4TheFallen even in Tucson, AZ will take place on September 20, 2015 (believe I have that date correct). This is will be the 3rd year that I'll be attending (as an unofficial supportive role of a civilian). I hate to say that last year the number of "supportive" people (those who showed up to cheer on the firefighters as they "climbed" had diminished quite drastically from the year before. Sad really. It's as if people are forgetting about the Fallen Firefighters... Not… Continue
Added by Tena on July 5, 2015 at 2:36pm —
I probably won't have much much to post in here but I did want to share a couple links to a video I posted on my own blog (ok, turns out I did it as part of a "Weekend Coffee Share" I've recently joined... Anyway, hope it's okay to post the link like this and hope you enjoy what put together. https://festidbits.wordpress.com/2015/06/01/weekendcoffeeshare-2015-may-24-may-30/
Added by Tena on July 5, 2015 at 2:27pm —
Mortality wasn’t something I consciously thought about. For a lot of years I’d believed in some part of myself there wasn’t much I couldn’t do. I’d gone after my dreams and hit homers with every single one. My goals had been to be an example to my children about how you can achieve any dream you want. I’ve achieved so many dreams, ones which 15 years ago I’d have thought were mere fantasies.
Before the PTSD became full blown I knew without a doubt every day was a gift, an amazing… Continue
Added by Bree N. on July 5, 2015 at 9:30am —
Well its a nice day here in WNY the sun is out no clouds out as its been a wet couple of weeks here off and on, we had about 2'' one day and then about 3/4' of rain another day. So yes the last couple of days have been nice.
Let's remember to be careful today and if we are drinking "PLEASE , PLEASE" do not drive. If we are responding to calls let's REMEMBER to watch going through the intersections Look both ways.
Remember our Veterans overseas and also here in the USA say a… Continue
Added by Bob Allard on July 4, 2015 at 9:22am —
Arizona and our nation lost 19 of our elite firefighters in the Yarnell Hill Fire on June 30, 2013.
The Granite Mountain Hotshots, established in 2002, were an elite ground firefighting crew known for their… Continue
Added by Janet Liebsch on June 30, 2015 at 9:12am —
‘Don’t tell them you have PTSD, don’t tell them you have PTSD’ the refrain kept going through my mind so much so I was grateful to not have been given any pain meds as I’d have said it out loud. ‘If you tell them, they peghole you as “depressed” no matter what you say and oh God forbid do NOT say out loud your doc is a MD specializing in Psych and PTSD.”
Inside myself I wailed because of this fact of life. A diagnosis of PTSD or TBI or heaven forbid one of both diagnoses comes with… Continue
Added by Bree N. on June 27, 2015 at 5:00am —
There are many theories associated with the observance of Father’s Day; the two theories which are quite known prevalent for the celebration of the first Father's Day celebration in the United States are as stated. The first theory to regarding the celebration of Father's Day was established on June 19, 1908 in the State of Washington when an independent celebration of Father's Day, a few weeks later, took place on 5th July 1908 in Fairmont, West Virginia.
Hence, the first Father's… Continue
Added by Bob Allard on June 21, 2015 at 8:39am —
Some days there is a gift within the PTSD. Really there is. I have come to have a deep appreciation and respect for my PTSD. I never thought, especially a full year ago I’d get to this point but I have. From the depth of the darkness I learned a lot about the core of survival. I already knew I could do whatever I needed to in order to survive the most unmentionable and yet I had no clue I could survive beyond this one moment in time. My body did an incredible job keeping me alive in the midst… Continue
Added by Bree N. on June 20, 2015 at 8:30pm —
On Monday, June 18, 2007, the Charleston Fire Department lost nine brave firefighters while battling a devastating blaze at a furniture store. These heroes were memorialized on June 22, 2007. A procession of more than 300 fire engines, ladder trucks, ambulances, and command vehicles stretched approximately 7.5 miles (12 km) and moved single-file along a route which passed each of the three fire stations from which firefighters were lost, as well as… Continue
Added by Fyre Walker on June 18, 2015 at 11:15am —
Hope. The ever fleeting hope. It’s been this ‘just out of reach’ concept I’ve been chasing for the past year and a half. Probably longer if I’m honest about it. Hope was the thing I couldn’t grasp. Now, today it’s different. I have hope in excess, joy, and an everlasting sense of God’s holding our family so tightly in his hand. Years ago I read a quote about Hope. Hope is holding your hand out into the dark and having Faith God is take hold of your hand.
I’d almost lost the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on June 17, 2015 at 7:13am —
The windows are open and the breeze blows across my face as I write. This is unusual as I never open the windows unless someone has burnt something in the stove. I’ve been horribly sick this past week and ended up going to the E.R. So it’s been a singular week of a personal hell. Being sick kicked me back into the land of insomnia, only sleeping ten or fifteen minutes at a time. The never ending buzzing in my ears had gotten louder than before, my lips were peeling like they’d been burned,… Continue
Added by Bree N. on June 14, 2015 at 11:39am —
***Long post contains possible strong triggers-pain medication use description, blood description, nightmares***
I’m not so sweet anymore. I’ve always had boundaries yet I didn’t enforce them. People in my life were allowed to tromp all over those boundaries in spite of how much I tried to hold the fence tight against intruders. Because to me they were intruders. Ones who’d just push their way in and then start pointing… Continue
Added by Bree N. on June 6, 2015 at 9:32pm —
“It smelled weird in that office” my son told me last night after accompanying me to my iron infusion and B12 shot appointment. Usually when I’ve been there the waiting room is pretty sparse with patients waiting but yesterday had been an overfull waiting room. This was due to the newest doctor’s patient load growing quickly. This would be the new doctor who has a patient who refers to him as her ‘Prince Charming”. Family members were sitting on the floor to give the patients access to the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on June 5, 2015 at 9:13am —
Last year I lost myself. Maybe it was even longer ago. Perhaps it’s more accurate to say I lost myself in 2011 after my second major surgery to correct a huge incisional tear which became a much more serious surgery and recovery. Two years of recovery. Two years which have become four.
I lost myself.
I’ve had a lot of introspective time to realize I’d been identifying myself by what I did to earn money and not by who I am inside myself. I’m not even the person on the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on June 3, 2015 at 12:49pm —
Pain in the Night. I bolted up in the night sweating again, to a hard pain in my lower sternum. Always my first thought is angina or something similar. Waking up further I realize I’ve felt this before. Rib head popped out again. Gawd it hurts. I lay in bed and breathe willing the pain to pass. I lay there and try to assess myself before attempting to get up out of bed. Lay there and realize my bladder’s now woken up too. This situation is now becoming urgent. Climbing slowly out of bed I… Continue
Added by Bree N. on June 2, 2015 at 9:14am —
Silence. I sit, I stare at my cell phone, my iPad or the TV and inside my head is the silence. There should be thoughts flying. Ideas, visual memories flying through to ponder. Plans to follow through on. Yet each day as I sit I realize there is an unnatural quiet inside my mind. For the longest time I thought it was the numbing of PTSD but it’s not. Then for another very long time I figured it must just be the TBI issues. Anymore I don’t think this is it either.
Silence. With the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 31, 2015 at 6:00am —
Organising. It brings a peace to my damaged mind. It didn’t used to be like this although I did like things to have their place. Helpful when you have 3 young ones and all their friends over after school. Now organisation seems to hold a particular key to bringing calm. If I get upset or stressed beyond my limits I can start organising the labels on cans in the kitchen, or the DVDs in the TV entertainment center in alphabetical order. No, it’s not an OCD thing, it’s a damaged brain thing. See?… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 29, 2015 at 6:01pm —
Last night my son (23) and I picked up chicken at our local Church’s Chicken. In front of us was a young officer getting his food. After he’d gotten his food he went to sit down and as my son and I talked (probably loudly as we enjoy each other’s company) I kept glancing at this young officer. I noticed he looked stressed as he was sitting alone and was texting. As we left another officer pulled up in the parking lot and joined the other officer to eat. Both young officers I’d never seen before… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 28, 2015 at 10:53am —
Bad things happen, I know this, everyone seems to get this. PTSD seems to steal away the process of moving on from bad things happening. Sh*t happens and move on? No. Stuckness happens instead. I thought I’d moved on and yet as the big anniversary of all things terrible approaches I am realising something pretty important.
I chose to deal with this stuff head on. I chose. What I didn’t expect was to unearth so many reactions to anniversaries which had been going on without me… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 27, 2015 at 12:15pm —