They hadn’t been a part of my sleep for a quite a few years except for the occasional night I slept at all. Deep sleep, restful sleep, what was this again? After finally getting restful sleep my dreams had been nonsense, the kind which happens after no dreaming time for a long time. Finally I am getting the dreams where I am figuring things out, things are processing again. Perhaps this means my brain will finally truly start healing in earnest.
I find inside my dreams… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 23, 2015 at 9:29am —
For more than 60 years, the 3rd U.S. Infantry Regiment (The Old Guard) has honored America's fallen heroes by placing American flags at gravesites for service members buried at both Arlington National… Continue
Added by Janet Liebsch on May 22, 2015 at 9:40am —
Trouble. Our small town police chief used to tease me with the ‘her middle name is trouble’ line all the time. It was a good natured joshing kind of thing as I never was ‘trouble’. I had been married to a three generation police family so was considered an adjunct family member. Funny that. Part and yet not. Until I was, When I came back to visit with my ‘creds’ in place I was treated very differently indeed.
Trouble. No it isn’t my middle name yet for several years now it’s seemed… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 20, 2015 at 6:54pm —
Some days I really hate this brain injury.
My daughter and I had had a wonderful day together doing all the preparations needed for her car. Oil Change and new tires equalled a happy car, happy girl. A baker’s dozen bagels from Panera Bread and a café latte later we were on the way to pick up her boyfriend. They’d had a car accident in his vehicle earlier this week. A frightening moment in time to get the call from her; “mommy, we had an accident but we are OK, we are OK.” I never… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 13, 2015 at 8:22pm —
Retrospective insight is sometimes a real bitch. I can look back and see the joy I used to have in each day. My days had been full, always moving forward. I had a long term PLAN. One I was actively putting into action. Yet everything conspired to intrude upon my carefully created PLAN.
Suicide of a loved one. Disaster work. Business I was employed at was sold to another company. Sexual harassment and intimidation. Surgery, then not even a year later more even major surgery. Physical… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 12, 2015 at 11:36am —
As I look over the years I realize I’ve always been alone. Only child, lonely child. It was something which became a way of life for me. The 20 years of being a full time Mum just put being alone on the back burner. Divorce, Single Mum, Alone Mum with three to raise and find the schools to go to which were the safest after life in a small town.
Career wise I got thrown onto the fast train and rose too fast with way more than the span of five. Divorce pushed me to being back into my… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 9, 2015 at 8:45pm —
WELL ALL I WANT TO SAY IS "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL THE MOTHERS OUT THERE YOU ARE ALL SPECIAL IN YOUR MANY WAYS ONLY YOU KNOW.
SO TAKE CARE WATCH YOUR DRIVING AND HAVE A HAPPY MOTHERS DAY.
Added by Bob Allard on May 8, 2015 at 6:45pm —
My feet hit the platform of the treadmill in a steady beat as I walk quickly to warm up. Music in my ears and the app which tells me to run periodically. My trainer has already checked with me first to see what I’m doing this day. “I just need to run” is my reply when asked. I’m stuck for the moment in the upgrade from physical therapy to this overseen gym closest in the building to the doctor’s offices. I secretly call it the ‘baby gym’ because I feel like an infant relearning everything I… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 6, 2015 at 5:39pm —
Let's all take the time to say a prayer for the NYPD Officer who lose his life from a scumbag (sorry about that) who just does not care about life.
Please bow are heads...........
Added by Bob Allard on May 4, 2015 at 7:46pm —
I round penned a mare one summer for a good two months, gaining her trust and even then she’d still flit away in a mere heartbeat. She wanted to bond, she’d try hard to follow my body’s movements, ever alert to my subtle eye flicks at her. She wanted so badly to give over to me and yet her nature fought hard to keep her from participating in the dance as all.
“You’ve got a lot of TRY” he’d always say to me when we’d lay in bed as he’d put his chew in his mouth. “You remind me of a… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 4, 2015 at 5:30pm —
**Possible triggers due to description of experience of confined space victims**
I pour my coffee and check my gear again. Kneepads, extra socks, helmet, extra long sleeved shirt, undershirt, extra underwear, okay I’ve got all those. Snacks, charger for my phone, batteries for my headlamp, small penlight flashlight, large flashlight, glucose gel tube. I dig through my bag making sure yet again I’ve got all the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on May 3, 2015 at 8:37am —
Frustration, it consumes me most days. I hate it but it does. I have “unrealistic expectations regarding my brain injury’s rate of healing”. I want to get a week’s worth of each night being a full night of sleep. It’s become an obsession which when I don’t obtain this seemingly reasonable goal I get frustrated. I feel as if I am a major failure because I can’t sleep all night long like a ‘normal’ person.
If I slept all night long with regular sleep my brain would be able to heal… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 29, 2015 at 8:00pm —
How did it begin? Some people consider this question to be very private and personal. Some are on a path where to share the facts of their PTSD is important. For myself I know sharing about it can trigger others into a spiral. I feel a responsibility about sharing about anything except my own journey, the inner workings of what it is like to live with this constant series of waves crashing over me. The waves of remembering the moment PTSD began to be a shadow in my life.
Added by Bree N. on April 26, 2015 at 2:33pm —
**triggers in post due to description of on the job sexual harassment**
(Journal description of typical shift)
The Way It Was, Just Do Your Job..
My alarms startles me awake and I slap at it until it turns off. “Get up already, don’t lay here”. It’s 8pm and I’ve got to be ready for third shift work. I breathe in and out while telling myself ‘tonight it will be okay, you can make it through.” I swing my legs over the side of the bed and grab my robe and… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 24, 2015 at 9:38pm —
I cannot pinpoint when cuddling and hugs left my life. I was the Mom who cuddled with her adult kids in the huge bed each week to have movie night and eat popcorn together. I was the Mom you could count on to give you a big hug when you visited our home. When I look back, I will try to pinpoint when exactly it was this stopped being part of my life. I find I can’t figure it out. Health wise, well I know for sure it was around this time I stopped being “okay”.
When I read about Japan’s… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 21, 2015 at 11:56am —
Often I get private messages or DMs trying to slam me for not “knowing what I’m talking about”. Well, I’m not an expert on PTSD or TBI. Surprise! I only know about my own experiences and living day to day. It always astounds me to get these kind of messages. Why the pointed hatefulness directed my way? I get it I really do about how each person has different experiences and I respect their journey. Some get stuck in part of their walk so deeply it becomes a place of anger at the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 17, 2015 at 5:00am —
“I’ve been on a losing streak, I’m holding on to things I shouldn’t it’s time to let them go, Hit so hard I couldn’t speak” …These are lyrics to a song in my playlist. (Firelight; Brand New Day-Unbreakable) It’s been a theme song of sorts lately for me. I’ve been letting go of anonymity and coming out of my own dark place. Life just hits hard sometimes and it really sucks eggs. When it least was expected my major trigger came right to my front door, my home. I was okay the next day, I tried… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 12, 2015 at 4:22pm —
hope we all made it through Easter. I did and even made it through my hand surgery and now its starting to look more like spring, no snow in the yard but its still a little cool as old man winter is still trying to stay here. I have been doing some more reading on-line and in different mags about driving to and from the fire scene and to police calls, roll overs and etc. We are are not getting better as per the books. Slow down or at least watch the intersections.
I hope we all know… Continue
Added by Bob Allard on April 12, 2015 at 9:36am —
I’m hiding. I’m hiding in my room after a major triggered relapse. I hate this place I’m in. It was so unexpected. There I was surging ahead and wham! Six days later I am antsy, I want to move out of this place. I’m ready to move ahead again, yet the trembling inside screams it is not safe again, it’s not safe, stay inside, hide in the safety of these 4 walls and 2 windows.
I respect triggers, I do and I have a healthy fear of triggering them in others. Again and again I swallow any… Continue
Added by Bree N. on April 9, 2015 at 6:00am —
Its been a busy week(s) in the training , as new classes are coming out and meetings and grand-kids and wife so yes its been busy. Next thurs (9 apr.) I have been putting off hand surgery so I will be done for awhile but I need to get it done.
I would like to have us all take a minute and say our prayers for that firefighter who fell through the roof,......... Its hard on his family and dam its around a holiday.
So how have we been doing with our driving and… Continue
Added by Bob Allard on April 3, 2015 at 1:01pm —