The wind blows my hair across my face as I sit on my mare. It's a beautiful day to ride. Should we go off the property to trail ride or work in the ring? "Where should we go girl?" I ask this animal which has been mine only after riding her for a solid year. She turns her head back to look at me as if she understands me then looks towards the ring. Yeah, I want to work in the ring too, but the trail would've have been nice. I squeeze my legs to urge her forward feeling my hips loosen to move… Continue
Added by Bree N. on February 10, 2016 at 5:00am —
Well its Supper Bowl Sunday and here in WNY its a lovely day no snow in my yard and its about 48 degs. Usual weather this year its not over yet and I am sure we will get some more snow and next year we will be buried in snow. I am happy the way the weather is , one I don't ski and you are on your cell phone while you are driving in your vehicle and also what about the seat belt is it on. Those of you that have snow sure hope you have a resource kit in your vehicle in case you do get stuck… Continue
Added by Bob Allard on February 7, 2016 at 4:18pm —
This past week I've been moving towards a majestic meltdown. I could even sense it coming. To say the fences had been pushed hard is to lessen the importance of the ribbon I'd been racing to get to. This particular ribbon I met and broke with an exuberant sense of achievement. Ribbon wrapped around my body I fell to the ground and couldn't get up, could breathe only with jagged breaths. Now what? I dragged myself up off the ground to find this particular race was over and I'd gotten so caught… Continue
Added by Bree N. on February 5, 2016 at 4:00am —
Survive. Heal. Move forward. On paper it seems so simple. In actuality it was not an easy path at all. It proved to be a path which meandered a lot. Sometimes I just sat down in the mud and said, "Nope, not moving from this spot. Not happening." Yet eventually I would get up and move forward again. Other times I would push too hard, too fast and fall down, go several steps back and restart the process again until I stopped falling down.
It's always interesting to meet others… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 31, 2016 at 12:30am —
(This was Thursday, January 28, 2016 Topic on Periscope)
My name is Bree Nowacki.
I am an artist, a writer and a public speaker. I write as Bree N. about my personal journey with PTSD and Life Beyond PTSD while healing from a Traumatic Brain Injury alongside the uncertainty of life with Multiple Sclerosis. I have been a featured PTSD blogger for 3 years at the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 29, 2016 at 5:30am —
Learning, intellect is something I crave more than sleep now. Before the brain injury I had a yearning inside, a memory of the deep need to constantly fill my mind with new information. After the injury I still knew the person I had been. I knew my intellect had been effected by the brain injury. I knew I had become less intelligent and there was a hatred inside myself for who I had become. It was not that I had become stupid, it was that I could no longer remember anything the way I used to.… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 27, 2016 at 5:00am —
Fences are still being pushed to see if I can get through to the areas I cannot yet reach inside my brain. Sometimes I only stroll along half heartedly to check my inner fence line. There are days I don't care to push my fences remaining content in the moment. Those days are the ones where I feel as if I am gathering my strength to push hard at the fence in the coming days. I will be ready for what lies behind them when I do.
The calm inside holds a trembling sensation and I am… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 24, 2016 at 10:55am —
My breath is a cloud of fog as I exhale. I pull on the fingerless gloves to hit the bag outside on the patio and notice there is frost on the bag. It's really too cold to be outside but my need is too high. I breathe in again and watch the cloud of fog dissipate as I crouch into position to hit the bag. Frost flies off of it as I begin to find my rhythm. Jab, cross, hook, cross, hook cross over and over changing sides as one side begins to tire. The fog is constant now as I'm breathing heavier,… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 20, 2016 at 5:00am —
Walking the fence line is what I do daily inside my mind. I walk that fence pushing at it trying to find any weaknesses to those barriers holding me back from emotions, thoughts and memories. Some days there is the discovery of a weakness in those barriers and I will stay there awhile pushing to see if I can get through.
Other days it is as if the barrier is solid instead of created out of mist. I can hit it, I can kick it, I can push, push until I fall down instead of that barrier.… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 17, 2016 at 5:00am —
My legs are trembling I walk out to the car. "I can do this, I CAN do this." I've reached this unknown territory of pushing myself to do things even when I do not want to. There have been 4 days since I've left the house. This is not a good thing and inside myself I know this. This day is a full day of appointments, ones which cause me to feel stressed and sad. Yet, I know I can do this, I know I can. There is no other option.
I must continue to move forward.
I plug in my… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 15, 2016 at 5:00am —
Grand illusions have fallen away and there are no more masks to pull off. There is only me. Those masks had kept me safe and hidden safely behind them. They have been peeled away. A painful process lasting two years continues to leave me raw inside and out.
I always felt inside as if I was holding my breath, unable to allow my truths to be free. My truths were ugly, horrendous things. They'd grown into mature animals which only served to tear me apart from the inside. They tore at… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 13, 2016 at 5:00am —
The teakettle shrieks as the water boils and I pull it off the stovetop to make tea. Glancing out the window again I see a small flock of white doves. They land in and near the birdbath, the largest in the flock staying in the bowl. I watch them wander in the mud and realize this flock is the first of the doves to return after the ice storm.
When I'd first bought this house there were several flocks which came down every morning and afternoon. There was a single large white dove… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 10, 2016 at 11:35am —
No, its not Friday its Sunday as I was busy Friday and had to do a little work getting the snow blower ready as we are to get some Lake Effect snow here in WNY Sunday night early Monday morning. Time will tell. But away what we all need to do is make sure we have a Winter Emergency Kit in our vehicles, such things as a blank, water, a snack or something we can eat in-case we are stuck some where on the highway and its happen here in WNY (not me) but others. Make sure we have full tank of gas… Continue
Added by Bob Allard on January 10, 2016 at 9:30am —
The definition of myself, as a person who has survived and has woken up to a brand new day. New, that is how I feel at this point in my life. It is as if I never knew what it was like to fully feel emotions. They are new, fresh, as if I am unfamiliar with them and yet they are familiar in some depths of my mind. I draw and this alone has taken me to a depth of emotion I cannot escape from.
Part of me wants to fly free of these emotions which unsettle me, undo me until I want to be… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 8, 2016 at 5:00am —
Looking out the window I see all the debris in the yard still needing to be picked up. It's pretty much an entire tree's worth of limbs from two trees down in the yard. Half a tree down plus all the further most limbs of the really old tree. It is as if the older one self trimmed itself of all the old limbs up top. There is definitely a lesson there to be had.
I drink my hot tea, sipping it slowly as it will burn my pouch otherwise and look outside, thinking about my own 'old limbs'.… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 6, 2016 at 11:22am —
These past two years have been an arduous journey of attempting to connect with parts of my brain which had been out of reach. Slowly, surely every section of the fence I kept pushing. Each push was an attempt to find the weakness of the barrier between myself and my intellect. Each time I pushed, it was to find the fence was still strong frustrating my efforts. But, I was not going to give up in this quest. I could do it. I would find the section of the internal fence of my mind which would… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 3, 2016 at 8:04am —
Today, I stopped caring about my fellow man. I stopped caring about my community, my neighbors, and those I serve. I stopped caring today because a once noble profession has become despised, hated, distrusted, and mostly unwanted.
I stopped caring today because parents refuse to teach their kids right from wrong and… Continue
Added by Allison McCullough on January 2, 2016 at 12:29pm —
I want it all back. I want all of me back. My brain is healing and I feel unsettled, desperate inside to discover what gifts are still hidden in my brain. I am desperate to uncover them, bring them into the light. Emotions are still out of reach and considering the edge of my temporal lobe was hit I'm lucky to have any emotions and I do have understanding about that.
It is as if there are veils between me and my memories. I can see the person I had been, how none of those memories… Continue
Added by Bree N. on December 30, 2015 at 9:52am —
Morning breaks and I'm already up, letting dogs out. The sun peeks over the horizon with fingertips of color streaking through the clouds. Breathing deeply I fill my lungs with the crisp morning air and stretch my arms towards the sky. For these moments I am calm inside myself. I watch the dogs wandering around doing their business. I whistle and they turn, then run to me to come inside where it's warm.
I workout, live streaming it while pushing my body to it's limits. Treadmill,… Continue
Added by Bree N. on December 28, 2015 at 5:30am —
The wind stings my face, rain feels like shards of ice and my chest is so tight I feel as if I cannot breathe. Fog surrounds me, blinding me and I am afraid I will lose the path. I am afraid I will fall. Fear blossoms in my chest and I no longer trust my feet to find the path I've run a million times. Instead of slowing I kick hard and push forward.
Behind me is the sound of feet hitting the ground in rhythm with mine and my adrenaline kicks into overdrive pushing me harder, faster… Continue
Added by Bree N. on December 24, 2015 at 7:28pm —