From: Personal Journal Entry: 06 16 2015 Tuesday
After an emergency room trip which resulted in the next day discovering there was a natural gas leak. A technician confirmed it was a low level leak which had suddenly worsened and had become a severe leak.
The Unfeeling Psychopath
Natural gas, softly leaking for months, years...
Inhaled each day, each night, each morning whilst I was unaware
My brain inside my head… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 18, 2016 at 5:30am —
Life is a funny thing, it comes full circle and surges forward in a way I never expected.
Montgomery County, Station 7, Hazmat team received a Cookies4Scopers box via one of their team - Jermaine Jackson from the show- PayingLOVEforward on Cookies4Scopers Periscope Channel. This is worth a watch!
First the beautiful FireWife Teeshalavone and Jermaine opened their boxes at home.…
Added by Bree N. on March 13, 2016 at 5:30am —
Three weeks. I can make it through three weeks. It's time to phase out therapy after two years. Every week becomes two weeks, then three weeks. It's almost like the schedule to phase out a medication or something similar so there will be no withdrawal. I can do this, I know I can do this. It is only in theory, in thought where I become uncomfortable inside.
There is a box full of secrets which I am still working through. One day soon will be the last one and then what happens? Do I… Continue
Added by Bree N. on March 6, 2016 at 5:30am —
Poetry is consuming me. I've been working on creating a poem for every single PTSD blog post I've done in the last three years. It is very emotional and digs deep into the darkness of what I'd written about for so very long. Some poems bring forth emotions I did not expect. Tears fall, my throat gets tight and I feel I could begin to sob while I write. Those moments are the ones I question what I am doing with this year long project I've created for myself.
The words write… Continue
Added by Bree N. on February 27, 2016 at 10:57pm —
This simple act has no meaning to me anymore. Recently I was apologised to for an unfortunate two hour wait for an appointment. I felt it was important to simply say to her "The brain injury has messed up my sense of time passing, it could have been 10 min or three hours to me. I'm not worried about it, no apology needed." This seemed to startle her as she'd been apologising to patients for most of the day at this point. "Relax, no worries, I'm not worried about it." She finally… Continue
Added by Bree N. on February 24, 2016 at 4:39pm —
Survival. I never thought I'd make it. I only survived through pure chance, pure luck and most of all the desperation that I would not die a passive death without having fought back. To have survived to only then be broken further by lesser things seemed unconscionable. It shamed me inside to not have been able to 'handle' all the things which further broke me.
All those straws, they do add up until the moment you break and break hard. In theory it's the one big moment which does it.… Continue
Added by Bree N. on February 20, 2016 at 5:00am —
This refrain runs through my head each day as I wake, as I walk on the treadmill, and as I work through the rest of my day. I loved myself enough to save myself in the beginning of this journey. From the moment of this decision to save myself? My life changed. There are no longer any regrets. It's funny to look back and recall there had been regrets. Yet there have also been those moments where I thought perhaps this had been an insane act of desperation.
Added by Bree N. on February 17, 2016 at 5:00am —
PTSD is like a seedling planted in my psyche. A random seed dropped, not from the sky, but from a random act of terrorism. It has been up to me whether the seedling planted was nurtured into a full grown deeply rooted tree or neglected until it shriveled. For years I nurtured it in secret until the day it took root overwhelming me. At first it had been easy to hide the seedling's growth inside myself. Easy until it had grown so large no one could pretend it didn't exist anymore.
Added by Bree N. on February 14, 2016 at 12:46am —
Happiness is my constancy. It's a pursuit I've been actively pursuing for months now. Once I became aware of my brain being 'stuck' in the happy groove and how wonderful it felt? I didn't want it to stop. Yet, in my pursuit of brain healing using the two handed sketching and painting, it has began to stir up the emotional center. Tears began flowing again, anger began being right below the surface. Laughter, and yes..feelings of love began to fill me up.
I am overwhelmed by… Continue
Added by Bree N. on February 12, 2016 at 5:30am —
The wind blows my hair across my face as I sit on my mare. It's a beautiful day to ride. Should we go off the property to trail ride or work in the ring? "Where should we go girl?" I ask this animal which has been mine only after riding her for a solid year. She turns her head back to look at me as if she understands me then looks towards the ring. Yeah, I want to work in the ring too, but the trail would've have been nice. I squeeze my legs to urge her forward feeling my hips loosen to move… Continue
Added by Bree N. on February 10, 2016 at 5:00am —
This past week I've been moving towards a majestic meltdown. I could even sense it coming. To say the fences had been pushed hard is to lessen the importance of the ribbon I'd been racing to get to. This particular ribbon I met and broke with an exuberant sense of achievement. Ribbon wrapped around my body I fell to the ground and couldn't get up, could breathe only with jagged breaths. Now what? I dragged myself up off the ground to find this particular race was over and I'd gotten so caught… Continue
Added by Bree N. on February 5, 2016 at 4:00am —
Survive. Heal. Move forward. On paper it seems so simple. In actuality it was not an easy path at all. It proved to be a path which meandered a lot. Sometimes I just sat down in the mud and said, "Nope, not moving from this spot. Not happening." Yet eventually I would get up and move forward again. Other times I would push too hard, too fast and fall down, go several steps back and restart the process again until I stopped falling down.
It's always interesting to meet others… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 31, 2016 at 12:30am —
(This was Thursday, January 28, 2016 Topic on Periscope)
My name is Bree Nowacki.
I am an artist, a writer and a public speaker. I write as Bree N. about my personal journey with PTSD and Life Beyond PTSD while healing from a Traumatic Brain Injury alongside the uncertainty of life with Multiple Sclerosis. I have been a featured PTSD blogger for 3 years at the… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 29, 2016 at 5:30am —
Learning, intellect is something I crave more than sleep now. Before the brain injury I had a yearning inside, a memory of the deep need to constantly fill my mind with new information. After the injury I still knew the person I had been. I knew my intellect had been effected by the brain injury. I knew I had become less intelligent and there was a hatred inside myself for who I had become. It was not that I had become stupid, it was that I could no longer remember anything the way I used to.… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 27, 2016 at 5:00am —
Fences are still being pushed to see if I can get through to the areas I cannot yet reach inside my brain. Sometimes I only stroll along half heartedly to check my inner fence line. There are days I don't care to push my fences remaining content in the moment. Those days are the ones where I feel as if I am gathering my strength to push hard at the fence in the coming days. I will be ready for what lies behind them when I do.
The calm inside holds a trembling sensation and I am… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 24, 2016 at 10:55am —
My breath is a cloud of fog as I exhale. I pull on the fingerless gloves to hit the bag outside on the patio and notice there is frost on the bag. It's really too cold to be outside but my need is too high. I breathe in again and watch the cloud of fog dissipate as I crouch into position to hit the bag. Frost flies off of it as I begin to find my rhythm. Jab, cross, hook, cross, hook cross over and over changing sides as one side begins to tire. The fog is constant now as I'm breathing heavier,… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 20, 2016 at 5:00am —
Walking the fence line is what I do daily inside my mind. I walk that fence pushing at it trying to find any weaknesses to those barriers holding me back from emotions, thoughts and memories. Some days there is the discovery of a weakness in those barriers and I will stay there awhile pushing to see if I can get through.
Other days it is as if the barrier is solid instead of created out of mist. I can hit it, I can kick it, I can push, push until I fall down instead of that barrier.… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 17, 2016 at 5:00am —
My legs are trembling I walk out to the car. "I can do this, I CAN do this." I've reached this unknown territory of pushing myself to do things even when I do not want to. There have been 4 days since I've left the house. This is not a good thing and inside myself I know this. This day is a full day of appointments, ones which cause me to feel stressed and sad. Yet, I know I can do this, I know I can. There is no other option.
I must continue to move forward.
I plug in my… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 15, 2016 at 5:00am —
Grand illusions have fallen away and there are no more masks to pull off. There is only me. Those masks had kept me safe and hidden safely behind them. They have been peeled away. A painful process lasting two years continues to leave me raw inside and out.
I always felt inside as if I was holding my breath, unable to allow my truths to be free. My truths were ugly, horrendous things. They'd grown into mature animals which only served to tear me apart from the inside. They tore at… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 13, 2016 at 5:00am —
The teakettle shrieks as the water boils and I pull it off the stovetop to make tea. Glancing out the window again I see a small flock of white doves. They land in and near the birdbath, the largest in the flock staying in the bowl. I watch them wander in the mud and realize this flock is the first of the doves to return after the ice storm.
When I'd first bought this house there were several flocks which came down every morning and afternoon. There was a single large white dove… Continue
Added by Bree N. on January 10, 2016 at 11:35am —