It's been quite awhile since I've blogged. There is a short truth. *grin* I am finallly in a place of healing, with the right doc, right everything right now. It's a good place, safe, Once I made the choice that I HAD to trust, then healing happened. I'm by no means finished. Not at all.
What I've learned:
You cannot heal, cannot recover without CHOOSING to trust the right .....fill in the blank (doc, therapist, psychiatrist) in a SAFE place to share what you need to share. Making that one choice, doing the damned hard hard work after that choice...Well it may mean that you experience a setback at first. Triggers happen. Sharing may trigger the bad times to come roaring back in.
Yet if you do not make that CHOICE to heal, to share, to do the work. You won't make it through in your own life. You'll instead choose to be apart, to shut yourself, your feelings, shut it all down. This isn't healthy.
It's a healthy CHOICE to CHOOSE to work hard to get well. To get to that place of peace with yourself. None of us can sit in judgement on each other for our past. We cannot allow our past to dictate our lives. It ends in ruin every time when the past wins.
So today I'm here to say that it's NOT an easy road. It's a road of meanderings, of jigs and jags, but it's becoming more and more worth it each day, each week. The nightmares subside as I face them one by one. Surprisingly, cutting slowly off the anxiety medication has been easier doing it the doc's way. Very very slowly. Wow who'd have thunk that, right?
I won't be a slave to my past, I am committed to working hard, harder than I ever had in the gym, on the job in order to heal. Because, damn it all, in the end my JOB is ME. If I'm not whole I cannot do a thing for anyone else. I end up just pretending that I've helped someone.
Struggle through, it may seem so dark, so unliveable, not endurable, but that is temporary. I am making it through, becoming whole again and it's good. It's really good.