Did I get what I deserved?
There is a song running through my mind and it disturbs me to the depth of my soul. "All the way down we go, way down we go....do you dare to look them right in the eyes because they will run you down until you fall....until you can't crawl no more..and way down we go" (Kaleo)
It unsettles me, reminds me of that dark space, the darkness which surrounded me in the midst of my pain. The darkness where I fell so hard that I could no longer crawl, broken, bleeding, my eyes dry from crying endlessly. My throat raw from screaming so long, so loud until no sounds were uttered anymore.
I fell down many times, this I know and sometimes I got up immediately, other times I fell and never wanted to get up. But this song, these lyrics "they will run you down until you can't crawl no more" they eat at my spirit, make me question yet again.
Did I get what I deserved?
I am against victim blaming, it serves no purpose. To also search for a reason within myself of 'why?' Is still a form of victim blaming. Yet I will always question, had I been in the wrong place at the wrong moment at the other side of the world? The wrong person I'd chosen to spend my life with, had it been because of this choice? Or was it merely mistaken identity like I had been told afterwards? All these questions which periodically, against my will run through my mind.
I will always question the moment I chose to live. I will always question the moment of who will live to see another day, me or my captors?
The darkness was a place to grieve for what I had done. I understand this to the depths of my soul. To have chosen to love myself enough to choose to fight to live. I have to live with this decision every single moment in my life.
I choose to love me, I choose to love others, I choose to move forward with all this inside of me. These have been the hardest of choices. At the depths of myself I still have the niggling belief, deep down, that anything bad which happens is because it is what I deserve.
I have absolutely no clue what it means when good things happen in my life.
This journey I've taken for over two years, this has been the hardest work I've ever done. The painful sharing, painful introspection, the withdrawal from inappropriately prescribed medications, the withdrawal from the hormones I'd become addicted to.
It has ALL been worth it.
I would not be whole, I would not be alive if I had not embarked upon this difficult journey and it is not over. There will come a day when I no longer question that day, that moment in my personal history.
Today is not that day.
(Also published on LifeBeyondPTSD.WordPress)