My breath is a cloud of fog as I exhale. I pull on the fingerless gloves to hit the bag outside on the patio and notice there is frost on the bag. It's really too cold to be outside but my need is too high. I breathe in again and watch the cloud of fog dissipate as I crouch into position to hit the bag. Frost flies off of it as I begin to find my rhythm. Jab, cross, hook, cross, hook cross over and over changing sides as one side begins to tire. The fog is constant now as I'm breathing heavier, sweating inside my sweats and I don't even notice the cold anymore.
I no longer have to think so hard about the combinations as I hit, hit, hit the bag. My adrenaline is beginning to kick in and I know I need to back off before it consumes me. "Step back" I say it to myself out loud to get the point across. Reluctantly I step back. I need to stop. I must stop and go inside the house. My body is signalling me it's had enough as this is workout number three this morning. OK, enough, be done.
As I walk inside the sensation is rising and I can't get away from it. Emotion fills me, memories rise along with these emotions. I want to go back outside and hit the bag some more. Anything to get away from these unfamiliar sensations of emotion. I'd been happy to not feel, to just be stuck in 'happy' and now this. I am unsettled. I am angry, I am .... I don't know what I am feeling. It is as if these sensations are new and I am ill equipped to handle these new emotions, old emotions.
I stand in the kitchen, tears in my eyes and I am frozen, unable to move. What is this?? Tea, I need hot tea with a lot of sweetner. My teakettle is full of hot water so I pour a mug full, add several sweetners and the tears overflow. Breathe, just breathe, allow this to happen and it will pass.
Healing is happening inside my brain, I understand this. I'm not afraid of it anymore. I refuse to be consumed by the fear of feeling emotions again. The sensation passes as if it was the fog from my breath outside. Like a light switch I'm stuck back in "happy".
It's taking time and it's a part of my journey I didn't expect to take. Perhaps it's allowing to become a better person than I was before.
(Also published to LifeBeyondPTSD Wordpress)