Fences are still being pushed to see if I can get through to the areas I cannot yet reach inside my brain. Sometimes I only stroll along half heartedly to check my inner fence line. There are days I don't care to push my fences remaining content in the moment. Those days are the ones where I feel as if I am gathering my strength to push hard at the fence in the coming days. I will be ready for what lies behind them when I do.
The calm inside holds a trembling sensation and I am uncertain about this. Is it emotion? Is it something I'm not facing yet? All the questions make me tremble more inside until the calm is unsettled. I am disturbed inside myself as I question and question until I want to run. Yet I cannot run away from myself. Is this what I'd been doing all those years with my running. Trying to get away from myself? I am beginning to think it was.
Each morning I wake up with the sensation of running still in my mind, feeling it in my body. So many styles of running away from myself had been in place. Pushing myself to work insane amounts of hours until I couldn't sleep at all. Pushing myself physically until my body size was too small for all those around me to be comfortable with. Push, push and push some more. Yet not one of those activities truly got me away from myself. I could not outrun me.
There are days I think the brain injury, the horrible fall were all part of some plan in which I was made to stop running from myself. The memory issues gave me a type of reset, not quite a do over, but similar to it. I can see now it allowed me to no longer run, to no longer be unable to face myself, my past, my memories. I finally, slowly and surely had to deal with me. This part of my journey has been terrifying, full of things I didn't want to talk about in therapy, facing parts of me I'd pushed down to try and forget about.
The brain is a funny thing. Even when you push things down so far and you think they are forgotten? They end up springing up when you least expect it in order to have to deal with them. Like a jack in the box my past, my truths, sprang up saying "surprise! You have to deal with me now!!" Two years in therapy, entering the transitional period of phasing it all out and still certain issues will spring up unexpectedly. The difference now is I have in place ways to deal with those moments when the jack in the box unexpectedly springs open.
(Also published to Life Beyond PTSD Wordpress)