This past week I've been moving towards a majestic meltdown. I could even sense it coming. To say the fences had been pushed hard is to lessen the importance of the ribbon I'd been racing to get to. This particular ribbon I met and broke with an exuberant sense of achievement. Ribbon wrapped around my body I fell to the ground and couldn't get up, could breathe only with jagged breaths. Now what? I dragged myself up off the ground to find this particular race was over and I'd gotten so caught up in the race I'd forgotten to have a solid plan for when the race was over.
Yes, now it was over and here I am face down after this glorious run to the finish line. Meltdown. Emotions flying around inside my brain. Emotions I don't recognize. I don't know what to do with them and this causes me to feel absolutely out of control. The live streaming application I've been using for close to eight months now to reclaim my social life, to share all the complications of this journey has become unstable. Now I am feeling unstable as I meltdown emotionally facing the unknown. What do I do now? Will this improve? Social media moves very quickly so I better make a decision quickly too. Two weeks is an eternity.
It seems as if the world moves so much faster than it used to before my brain began healing. Before it was if the days were all the same, melting into one another. Schedules became my friend in that they helped me to know today was different from yesterday. Even if I could not remember yesterday I knew that today held a different schedule. Being able to write out the plan for the week, the schedule for the next day had all been wins. Those had been my salvation for seven solid months.
So now what? Which direction do I head now? Will I succeed with my endeavors? Will I fail? Will I push myself so hard to only break through the next ribbon and then fall down the well into meltdown again?
Perhaps the meltdown is a natural occurrence. Perhaps it is only a pause to regain my bearings so I can push forward again. No resting upon the laurels here. Healing has happened and healing is changing my life in amazing ways. Yet with the amazing things come the frustrating moments too.
Frustrating is possibly a fantastic unsettled place to be at this moment in time. I can look around and see more possibilities now than I did before. Possibilities which are exciting because not only are there so many, but because there ARE possibilities now.
The work to get to this place of possibilities has been worth the meltdown.
(Also published to Life Beyond PTSD)