Life just throws me for a loop sometimes. Triggers happen when I least expect them nor want them too. My eidetic memory returns so clearly at moments only to slip away again when I most want it to stay. Unreliable. This is how I see myself right now. I can't be counted on for remembering important things. If I don't put multiple alarms on my phone I forget to eat, to go to an appointment and worst of all, I often just forget what the alarm was for.
My most difficult issue is the language problem. I often will hear a language spoken and realize I understand it. Try to speak it? Not happening. Most days my words come out erratically and I get very impatient with myself. Stutter. Wow. Never thought that would be me. That I would be that person that people get the "hurry up and say what you want/need/trying to say already!" face. Due to the location of this injury and my constant journey to understand the extent of what I'm dealing with I've realized I also have gait issues which are from the injury and not the Chronic Illness I have that would cause this.
I think the other difficult issue is the one at home, not just out in public. When I get my words wrong, or I can't say what is in my mind (which is flawless) to come out of my mouth the same way? Well, the only way to put it this way. I seem to have lost quite a few point in my IQ, at least this is the impression I get from my interaction with family and/or others. I want to say "I have a brain injury which is slowly healing and getting better, I am not brain damaged. There is a difference."
But in reality is there a difference? I get either the impatient face or the pity face when I try to talk, to interact. Some days I can do this pretty well. I also have days this is not an easy thing whatsoever. I actually interacted with someone a few days ago with whom a bit into the conversation it became clearly apparent there had been a personal relationship with this person of which I have no memory of having had with them. It's during that time which I refer to as the "black hole of loss."
See, it's just gone. I know (not remember) some of it due to my crazy skills at documenting. Perhaps I had been a bit OCD. But had I not? It would just be gone, never gotten back. So I went home and read, reread journals and there it was. Yeah.
If they'd not been such a seemingly great person (and I still don't know why we broke up) and I had not just been brutally honest and owned the fact of having had a TBI it would have been THE most confusing conversation in history. I really had no idea that we'd met or been in a personal relationship.
Then there are the days I have which are the most horrible of days. Something happens to trigger angry outbursts which I don't even begin to understand why they happen. Frustration perhaps. Too many stimuli at once some days. Stressors? Possibly. I just know I really don't know how to "own" these occurrences when they happen. This flash of anger so loud and fierce I want and have just punched something really hard. I'm starting to get a bit of control when these happen as I have injured my hand hitting a doorframe one day.
I know, as it's been explained to me (apparently several times, perhaps one day I will remember I've asked about it before) this will subside to the level where it's going to be my 'new normal'. What does that mean? I don't know yet. I just have to keep on with owning what I can, owning what I remember, but most of all, owning when I can't remember.
When we connect with each other we ease each other's plight, if we keep each other beyond that fingertip reach? we lose out on healing. Let us all hold that line TOGETHER. It's time.