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Each day my body regains strength. My brain heals slowly in leaps, bounds, then slow set backs before healing some more. Each day I gain dominion again over my body and I feel as if I am finally finding control within my life in an out of control world.
All that I am at this moment is discovering the strength I have as a woman. Empowerment of self through the reading and discussion broadcasts for Women Who Run with the Wolves is an exciting journey I've embarked upon. The self confindence I've found through continuing to live stream in the face of criticism has been worth it. It's opened doors I'd never have been open to over five months ago.
Strength I'd always taken for granted. Strength in body, in mind, in spirit had become so easy for me. Yet I flew so very high, touched the sun and I fell so hard hitting the ground that I could not get up. I stayed there for years. Abuse I'd escaped from had followed me in ways I'd not even seen coming and this past weekend reminded me I AM stronger than I think, that i am healing and not only that but I had a network of friends to protect and support me. In my appointment with my therapist he had strongly reminded me about the sneaky ways of abusers and that for now, it was OK to become hypervigilent in my personal safety because what was most important was for me to be safe. To not come to my next appointment bruised and broken.
Yesterday my daughter and I had gone to a large deli restaurant we love so we could eat happy food together, talk and to have a joyful time in each other's company. Of course at some point I had to go to the toilet and when I came back around the corner I found myself walking and slowly scanning the room. There had been two men in uniform, military in front of us in line and had sat a ways from us. As I scanned the room my eyes went across the one facing me and he froze as he watched me walk across the room. This only served to up my hypervigilency to a high degree, my sight became so sharp, so clear as I scanned the room again trying to figure out what had set this off.
I am a woman and yet I am not the day to day emotional woman most are used to.
In this continuing journey I'm on of healing my spirit, mind and body I am still disconnected from my feelings. It is a rare thing for me to get close to tears or to get angry. This past weekend I experienced the old ways of feeling 'less than' , "unworthy", "worthless". The old responses to these feelings being set off was to shut down emotionally.
I am not perfect. I have not always been strong. There was a time I was beaten down so far I would not look anyone in the eye, I would not initiate conversation. This is a time of which I feel the most shame and I do not want to go back to that person, to explore who she was. Yet as I look at these things I know I am ALL those things still. I still have the capacity to gloss over abuse, to get into the victim blaming thinking and most of all..
To blame myself for all the things over which I had NO control of overseas.
Women are seen as vulnerable and perhaps we are in so many ways. Yet in others we are so bloody strong it's disconcerting for those who have pegholed us into this 'always a victim' or "all women are so needy" peghole. See, here's the thing, Not all women are victims who are stuck, there are many who are heros in their own lifes, who fight for themselves and who fight for those they love. My children, who are now adults still see me as as a hero. I am uncomfortable with this term and yet it is a truth.
I became my own hero, my own superhero until I fell and it hurt so hard, I was so broken in body, mind, spirit that I could not even conceive of getting up. Once I finally struggled to find this hero within? It's been one step in front of the other finding this incredibly strong woman who will fight for herself and because of this path I am finding it important to help other people, not just women, to fight for themselves too.
So for today---
Have you gotten out of touch with the hero which is within you? Perhaps it is time to step up to the precipice and fly high because you never know what you may be capable of doing for yourself.
(This was a Daily Topic Broadcast on Periscope 12/08-2015 and is published on LifeBeyondPTSD.Wordpress)