Super Bowl Sunday. It's a day most are planning for, excited about, fixing all kinds of foods, drinks and inviting friends over. Yet I've been decompensating for weeks now. I got through the Autumn, through the trigger happy holidays. Now what? I have seen so many mentions about Super Bowl Sunday that I finally got it.
Just over 2 weeks ago I found an old cell phone. Out of curiosity I charged it up, mainly to see if the whole "carry old cell phones in emergency kits to call 911' thing actually worked. Charged up and oh my. Now I get it. I see my screensaver picture. I look through the photos saved on the cell phone. I remember it all. Disconnected from it, but I remembered it all. No wonder. I get it. Now I get it.
Triggers. It always goes back to these series of terrible things that other people did that set off my PTSD. At the time I believed I was so broken inside that no one would ever 'stick' with me. No one would love me. That's changing now, I believe in myself. At the time I was overwhelmed by the idea, because that is all it was, the idea that someone seemingly amazing loved me. Until that day. That day they pulled off their very clever mask and hurt me beyond belief. I'd always held myself so far apart it was amazing that I'd allowed anyone to get close to me at all.
Triggers, lessons learned. I see now, that I'd been deceived, used just for the purpose of being used. Used by someone probably far more broken that me. The lesson pushed me into a place of physical exertion to try and out lift, out box, out build myself to never be hurt again. Yet, more fool me. Just over a year later I had major surgery that was so extensive due to so much damage inside me it has taken many years of physical therapy, and a second even more major surgery to physically move past. Add in this past near year of therapy I am finally reaching a healthier place inside of myself.
There will always be those out in the world who want to hurt others just because they can. They will try to hurt them in person, hurt them with unkind words said to strangers, hurt them online verging on cyberbullying just because they can. I can't change that. I can only change my response. This is by no means easy at all. I struggle with it each time it happens. I fear my own reaction with a depth of anger due to other's meanness with my immediate response being wanting to physically punch them. Working on this one.
How do I plan on spending my Super Bowl Sunday? I'm just not ready yet to 'celebrate' this day with others. I'll get there at some point, but I'm not ready yet.