Survival. I never thought I'd make it. I only survived through pure chance, pure luck and most of all the desperation that I would not die a passive death without having fought back. To have survived to only then be broken further by lesser things seemed unconscionable. It shamed me inside to not have been able to 'handle' all the things which further broke me.
All those straws, they do add up until the moment you break and break hard. In theory it's the one big moment which does it. Yet it's really not. It's the one big thing which causes the largest crack and after the one crack occurs all the smaller cracks radiate out until huge pieces start falling off. Then smaller things pile up until the whole mess falls in on itself.
What I know now is this moment is the one where choices are made. I could choose to sit there and never move again or I could make the hard choice to get up. My choice involved a lot of falling down, going backwards and sometimes running forward too fast. Yet in the end it's been all of these things which made my journey uniquely mine.
These are choices which I've questioned each time I didn't want to face my past, my future or to push my fences of comfort. I could have remained safe inside my home, yet I chose to push forward to all the places I didn't want to go. Those days I really questioned my sanity. Today I know these all combined to make me whole and I'm so grateful for this journey to who I am right now, this minute.
It has been worth every painful step to get here.
(Also published to LifeBeyondPTSD Wordpress)