Things are not the same.I... I am not the same. I look around and realize my life has not only changed, but I have changed. This brain injury changed everything. My life had slid into the mudhole deep before I injured my brain. Kind of the whole “add insult to injury” feeling there. I’d seemingly been a dabbler. I wasn’t. I read back over my journals from that time and I read the frustration held inside those entries. The innate need to keep safe kept me holding everyone at not only arm’s length (or fingertips) but sometimes so far at length I didn’t connect at all. Plus I held far more than the span of five in my hands and this alone caused me to be viewed as a ‘dabbler’.
Safety. Day to day now I feel the hypervigilance slipping away teeny bits at a time. I’m always very aware of my environment, don’t think that will ever not be part of my life. Yet, the crystal clear vision of being too vigilant is softening. Before this point in time I’d have started feeling frantic about this softening of my vigilance. But now it’s all different and I also have a deep need to just live my life and stop being so scared all the danged time.
Things can’t be the same anymore.
I don’t think the same way now. As small bits of visual memory come back another part is changing too. I’m starting to learn or more it’s I’m starting to fully understand things I’d learned before. This is change. It’s a good change in my own head. It’s similar to throwing a giant puzzle up in the air and it freezes instead of falling into pieces around me. Today, this moment I SEE the pieces, I SEE where they fit together and best of all I SEE what it means.
It’s exciting and also a bit, well, quite a bit agitating. I want to rush the process as I glimpse how things can be now. Not the same as before, maybe in same ways better. Most of all to be able to see there is a process I’m in is astonishing.
Meeting people I knew before the ‘hole of lost memory’ is part of the process. To see them be happy to see me, invite me to dinner is a little bit confusing. It’s confusing more in the loss of memory because I don’t remember all the times we’d sat and chatted together about family, life etc. I really don’t connect to the person I was before at all. Probably the only thing I remember is how I felt inside. Feeling lost, confused, sad, scared and wishing I could just be alone instead of where I was. Now I see this was part of the healing. I had to be with someone at all times possible. I had to have my phone at all times, had to check in if I went on a walk or was left home alone. Kind of like a teenager who’s been grounded.
The calm inside me is a new thing which I don’t ever remember feeling before. As I look around I know things are not the same anymore. I’m starting to get it. This is not a bad thing. I don’t have to be who I was before. I can finally just relax and be me. It’s OK. I’m going to be OK.
Each day is learning session and I take notes. Most of all I’ve learned from this experience to journal as it’s been so helpful in recovery. It’s helped me to understand a lot and most of all it’s helped me to see that things ARE different now.