Confusion. Some days it consumes me in the most annoying of moments. The confusion happens when I forget about important things. I’ve been sick for 5 weeks. I’d forgotten how long I’d been sick. I didn’t want to be sick and so I just kept forgetting. I’d been coughing for 4 weeks. My therapist pointed out that my cough had been going on for the last 2 appointments. So add another week in there? 5 weeks total. Too long. I had to make an actual commitment to getting in the urgent care clinic and get treated.
Acute Bronchitis. Done with one round of antibiotics. The high powered kind, no run of the mill stuff due to the X-Rays results. So we’ll see. It’s confusing because I have no idea how long I’d actually been sick. Plus, oh my God all the questions I can’t even begin to answer. Memory issues, confusion combine to make a potent mix of, well, confusion.
Now as the antibiotics are doing their thing I just feel angry. Angry that I’d been sick and not seen to taking care of myself. Angry that it’s imposing on me during a time I need to focus on my son and his journey to medical answers as to what happened to him. Angry at how my confusion makes it seem as if I’m buffaloing the medical provider who has never seen me before this day.
No, I don’t want a narcotic based cough syrup. No I don’t want any pain meds. Really, no. If I was a drug seeker I think my ‘drug’ of choice would be a high dose of antibiotics at this point.
Self care. It’s a confusing concept. It shouldn’t be. Yet, it is confusing. I have a tough time understanding this idea of thinking only of my needs first. Take care of me in order to be able to give anything to anyone beyond me. It seems selfish at best. Slowly but surely I’m getting it. I have to get past this danged confusion in my mind which doesn’t seem to allow the concept to sink in. It’s like trying to learn something totally new which I can hardly learn.
I want to get past the confusion, the fog. I want to feel whole again. I want to not hurt all the time. I want to not feel physically tired and short of breath. I just want to move on from this so I can focus on more important things.
For a brief moment the confusion lifts and I realize perhaps the important thing is …me. If I’m important in my own life, put myself first, give to me so I can heal and heal fully? Perhaps the most important thing can happen.