I want it all back. I want all of me back. My brain is healing and I feel unsettled, desperate inside to discover what gifts are still hidden in my brain. I am desperate to uncover them, bring them into the light. Emotions are still out of reach and considering the edge of my temporal lobe was hit I'm lucky to have any emotions and I do have understanding about that.
It is as if there are veils between me and my memories. I can see the person I had been, how none of those memories were veiled. Perhaps I have become more 'normal' in some respects in that normal people do not remember everything, in detail as I used to be able to do.
As I go back to my art, to the creative part of me and draw using both hands I find it is touching a part of me I didn't expect. I don't question it at all, but somehow, it has touched the part of me able to multitask again. This ability is nothing compared to what it was before of doing the highest level of handling so many things at once. But to be able to split my full attention between 5 things at once is a start and I see this talent, this skill coming back causing me to be filled with joy to find this part of me again.
Slowly, surely these 'talents' if you will, are coming back. It's like pulling on a huge ball of yarn which has been spun with lumps of fiber spaced with solid lengths and then thinner areas almost fraying, barely connected. This is how I see the visual memory coming back. It's something which cannot be rushed, and yet when a big piece of it comes back I get so excited for what is next I push myself too hard and fall for awhile. It is as if my brain burns out for a bit, and I grieve for the moment I thought I had it all back. Time has taught me to be patient, to stay calm, and wait. It will come back and it always brings more strength with it.
Learning to accept myself, right now, as I am has been a series of decisions. I chose, repeatedly chose to take the hard routes to get to where I am, this moment in time. I've endured all the questions, all the criticisms and all the pain in my head as I pushed my limits. I learned to listen harder to my body but I especially began to listen to my mind.
As my brain heals, as I've learned to become patient with myself it becomes easier to find patience in my approach to other people too. A series of seemingly simple choices is where it all began. I chose every single day to make the choices which have provided me the key to opening up to healing. To encourage healing in myself and to encourage it in others.
I made the choice to live, no matter what, I would live to see another day. This has become an ongoing choice each day.
I no longer regret this daily choice because ..
MY LIFE MATTERS.
(Also published on LifeBeyondPTSD.wordpress & is a Daily Topic Scope on Periscope)