Walking the fence line is what I do daily inside my mind. I walk that fence pushing at it trying to find any weaknesses to those barriers holding me back from emotions, thoughts and memories. Some days there is the discovery of a weakness in those barriers and I will stay there awhile pushing to see if I can get through.
Other days it is as if the barrier is solid instead of created out of mist. I can hit it, I can kick it, I can push, push until I fall down instead of that barrier. Most often these will be the ones I want to break down and yet I am delegated to remaining on the outside. A lot of months ago I would have wanted to give up, to sit down in front of this barrier and give up the battle. I would sit there for a time until I became bored. Then the walk would begin again.
Testing my inner fence line is a daily, familiar activity now. I know the portions which are weak, but not weak enough yet and so I will move on to come back later. Sometimes this walk has unexpected portions down which I can walk on through to rediscover new parts of myself unavailable before. I love those days. It is exciting and uplifting because I am regaining a chunk of myself which seemingly had disappeared. This fence line is slowly becoming less of a walk as more and more of my fence is coming down.
My nights have become full of dreams of running like I used to. My body doing anything I willed it to do. Strength had come easily to me and everything I tried to do I achieved. I ache to run again, I dream of running again yet there is the hidden thought inside my mind that I never will run again. So the questions begin inside my mind. What if I can't? What if I fail this goal when I'm meeting so many goals lately?
And what if I did run again?
Waking up this past morning I could still feel the sensation in my body of running in my dreams. I felt the relief of hitting my stride and feeling as if I could run forever, or at least until my body gave out. Most of all I felt the release I got from running. I ached to get up and experience it for real again. Instead I get up, dress, put on my shoes. My dog and I go outside to see how cold it is and then I go back inside to my treadmill. My January goal is 9% inclines and I look forward to them as I know they are a means to an end.
I will keep moving forward, I will keep dreaming and I will keep striving to run again no matter what.
(Also posted to LifeBeyondPTSD Wordpress)